I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Randomize
