Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
