K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
