I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Randomize
