Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
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