hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
