So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
