Why are handjobs necessary in class?
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
