there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
