The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
