i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
