She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Randomize
