you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize