i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
