were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Randomize
