Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Randomize