I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
sarcasm needs its own font
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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