last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
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