you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
