I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
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