My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
