Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
My breasts were aching with rage.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
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