Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
