My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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