Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
