Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
