Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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