he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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