I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Randomize
