Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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