I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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