just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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