I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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