I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
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