I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
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