im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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