I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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