I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
