I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
