I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
