Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I don't want my vagina anymore.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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