I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize