Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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