I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
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