my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Randomize
