It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Reggie can tackle my bush.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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