your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Randomize