She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
