The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
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