How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
these pics are all outta focus - was this what the camera saw? or what your eyes saw?
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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