watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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