Tell her she can't have a vagina
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
