Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize
