i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
