You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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