went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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