Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
