There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Randomize
