When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
