I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Randomize
