Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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