I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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